I might be stuck with certain inner disturbances forever [...] It turns out my really big problem was thinking I might one day get rid of all my problems, when the truth is that there's no escaping the mucky, malodorous compost-heap of this reality. Which is OK, actually. Compost is the stuff that helps things grow.
> Self-help is dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.
In my self-help journey I came across meditation which ultimately led me to altruistic-based practices. So can't relate.
> A focus on improving the self usually first requires finding problems with the self
Oh I got in there the other way around. I wanted a few things out of life socially speaking but society was blocking me somehow. So I went out to investigate why that is and then studied it all and then solved my own problem. In order to do that, I had to improve myself as I wasn't connecting well with the world. I'm much happier with how I do that nowadays.
I think it's worth it to be ok with everyone being a little bit in the same boat of wanting to self-help, then becoming enamored with buddhist ideas, then grappling with everyday being just another human. In whatever order.
I'm sure you mean well but just kinda irked me that you immediately put in the effort to "nope can't relate"
> The older I get, the more I think that self-help can be a trap. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. I say this after ~20 years of writing self-help and a lifetime of consuming it.
so, the self help didn't help and he passed the problem on his readers. Great!
I enjoy self improvement, but there is something deeply therapeutic about self non - improvement.
I don't say 'self acceptance' because that's often described as a necessary precursor to changing whatever we find difficult to accept about ourselves.
A critical footnote got lost in the shuffle. In his later writings, especially notes compiled in The Farther Reaches of Human Nature from 1971, Maslow added a sixth level above self-actualization:
Self-transcendence
It means going beyond the self—seeking connection with something greater, such as service to others, nature, art, or the divine.
Why is it important? Well, for one thing, as Tony Robbins put it at an event long ago: “‘I, I, I, me, me, me’ gets to be a really fucking boring song.” But it’s not just a boring song; it’s dangerous to your health. Self-help [can be] dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.
Modern self-help is as much a sham as are management gurus, which is no surprise because they overlap. Who cannot recall "Start with why?" or the "7 habits of highly effective people"? They play on your insecurities and promise silver bullets. If they don't work it is because you are, of course, deficient. You need another self-help book or follow this guy on Insta. Indulging all this self-help stuff is just another form of procrastination, instead of doing it you talk and read about doing it. It's just like learning Org-mode (no offense) to be better organized instead of, you know, organizing.
My waking call was, ironically, another management book "The Management Myth" by Matthew Steward (I think), which just showed me the ridiculousness of it all.
There's definitely a procrastination trap that someone has to be aware of, but I wouldn't say all the self-help/management is a sham. Much like people who get stuck researching, there comes a point where you simply have to act. There's also value in learning how to quickly pull items out of texts that you can use right now and discarding the rest.
I liken it to jiujitsu in a way. When I first started and knew nothing, I needed a lot of instruction and of course then practice. After years of that, I can now take a simple tweak to something I've been doing for years and suddenly it's much more effective. Finding those tweaks is the challenge, while also avoiding chasing silver bullets or bouncing to new thing after new thing and never getting good at something.
Of all the self help books I have actually read, The 7 Habits is probably the one that had consistently been useful in actually navigating issues day to day.
I enjoy Tim's content and in the last couple of years he's definitely gone beyond his established "shtick". He's definitely done his own "dog-fooding", testing advice on himself and he's found some awesome people along the way.
I'm happy that he has gone beyond the "book / author of the week" format and this blog post is most welcomed.
Relationships are crucial, especially ones that help elevate yourself or, at least, keep you on a stable level instead of dragging you down.
okay this was very interesting "To continually improve yourself, you must continually locate the ways you are broken" haven't thought of it this way. Maybe I need to look into why i keep finding new books.
The "optimization" framing is where self-help tends to go wrong. Tyler Cowen has made a similar point that reading self-help books is often a form of procrastination disguised as productivity, because you're consuming meta-strategies rather than doing the actual work in whatever domain you care about.
I believe it’s a lifelong journey towards healthy relationships with anyone. We don’t start there, and we might never get to the finish line. That includes non-violent boundary setting; not friends with everyone, but relationship. Soft boundaries, where you neither cling on to something that was but no longer is without the need to blame self or other, nor you avoid contact with something new and unknown. To let go of the fight against personal limits and circumstances one cannot change. Not at once, and not without testing, but layer by layer.
Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way. You can invite people to your personal adventure, and be part of theirs, for as long or short as it serves the both of you.
This is actually a common statement people make with whom I feel bored. I call it the "evasive defense".
Me: "Let's fly to Paris tomorrow!"
People: "Nah, I'm fine just doing what I did the last 3650 days. I wonder how I deal with this issue I have with my boss at work. That is enough adventure for me."
Me: "Trash the job! Let's start a startup!"
People: "Nah, that is not for me. The benefit-to-work ratio at my current job is just too good."
Have you actually shown genuine interest in their adventures, or is it you who defines what is adventurous and what is not, and not see that they defend against your interests, and by that protect their own? Why do you feel the need to make decisions for them? Is it you that is unhappy about their choices, or is it them? (How did your parents react to your wishes and desires? Was your autonomy celebrated, or dismissed? Do you find yourself subordinating your own interests below those of others, and say yes to things you would rather say no to?)
“NO is always a YES to something else.” - Marshall Rosenberg
I've been to Paris often enough, no thank you. And I prefer to go with people that respect and celebrate my autonomy. I wish you a good trip though!
I'm not making decisions for anybody. You can stay at home and watch your garden grow. Fine with me. I described what type of people I like. And that those are rather the pyramid climbers.
This is something I keep thinking about: the spectrum between sainthood (selflessly hang out with the poor/uninteresting/selfish/etc) vs selfish optimization (becoming more interesting/pretty/rich/generous in order to have access to nicer people)
From my own experience, and yours might differ, I typically don't find that pretty or rich (or any other such attributes) make for more interesting and nicer. Why is it either selfless saint or egocentrism? You can do both!
I imagine the person is talking about optimising along the lines you personally value for. Some people may value being with other interesting people (and being interesting themselves), wheras others prefer to be around smart people, or beautiful people, or rich people. Many see some of these desires as misguided or foolish or vain or whatever (often when it conflicts with their own values), but it is true that at least some people seem to want these.
Is it a style like his that LLMs have been copying lately?
"It was cold out, but none of us were cold."
"In that moment, there was nothing to do. Nothing to improve. Nothing to fix. It was perfect."
"We’ve all seen it. Clear as day, you can see the goal post at the top: self-actualization. LFG! It’s time to journal and 80/20 myself! Pass me a shaman and some modafinil. That’s the mission. That’s the point. Right? But hold on."
"Because at the end of the day—and at the end of a Montana night—the point was never yourself. It was never the pyramid. It was never the optimization. It was the people around the fire."
Doubtful that any one dude could influence the model to that extent, unless deliberately weighted. Then again i don't know what the hell i'm talking about.
From what i gather, openAi particular flavor of response is from reinforcement learning, these PMs are intentionally gamifying it. just today literally every reply was followed with "… want me to show you the one trick you can implement to avoid…"
When my head-voice read "But hold on", I literally heard in my head the "record scratch" associated with comedy movie trailers from the 1990s and 2000s.
This post strikes me as immature. Ask an older person like your grandfather what they think about “self help”. And ask like you believe they are wiser than you, not some doddering fool from “another time”. Look, we’re all slaves to our childhood learnings. But you can change and learn to think in a new way—in a way that’s you. Just be you.
The author is one of the biggest self-help book writers. Perhaps his self-help book sales started declining and he decided to pivot to some kind of anti-self-help genre.
>> If I fix the things that aren’t OK, all will be well. If I improve myself enough, if I only work hard enough, I can finally eliminate my suffering.
>I hate to inform you, but this doesn’t work. I’m also thrilled to inform you that this doesn’t work. You can stop picking up a lot of boulders.
Really reminds me of Oliver Burkeman. Take https://www.oliverburkeman.com/never for a start:
I might be stuck with certain inner disturbances forever [...] It turns out my really big problem was thinking I might one day get rid of all my problems, when the truth is that there's no escaping the mucky, malodorous compost-heap of this reality. Which is OK, actually. Compost is the stuff that helps things grow.
During time of peace, prosperity and ZIRP like phenomenon, self help takes on the form of Law of Attraction, The Secret etc.
During time of war and uncertainty, self help takes on the form of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
We are conditioned beings, we respond to the macro environment and dynamics.
> Self-help is dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.
In my self-help journey I came across meditation which ultimately led me to altruistic-based practices. So can't relate.
> A focus on improving the self usually first requires finding problems with the self
Oh I got in there the other way around. I wanted a few things out of life socially speaking but society was blocking me somehow. So I went out to investigate why that is and then studied it all and then solved my own problem. In order to do that, I had to improve myself as I wasn't connecting well with the world. I'm much happier with how I do that nowadays.
There's a lot of "I"s in your paragraph there.
I think it's worth it to be ok with everyone being a little bit in the same boat of wanting to self-help, then becoming enamored with buddhist ideas, then grappling with everyday being just another human. In whatever order.
I'm sure you mean well but just kinda irked me that you immediately put in the effort to "nope can't relate"
> The older I get, the more I think that self-help can be a trap. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. I say this after ~20 years of writing self-help and a lifetime of consuming it.
so, the self help didn't help and he passed the problem on his readers. Great!
I am sure it helped his wallet though. Be wary of the aging sophist that repents.
I enjoy self improvement, but there is something deeply therapeutic about self non - improvement.
I don't say 'self acceptance' because that's often described as a necessary precursor to changing whatever we find difficult to accept about ourselves.
> I enjoy self improvement, but there is something deeply therapeutic about self non - improvement.
Good point! I wish I wrote that, haha.
self non-improvement.
love it.
existing
Re: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:
A critical footnote got lost in the shuffle. In his later writings, especially notes compiled in The Farther Reaches of Human Nature from 1971, Maslow added a sixth level above self-actualization:
Self-transcendence
It means going beyond the self—seeking connection with something greater, such as service to others, nature, art, or the divine.
Why is it important? Well, for one thing, as Tony Robbins put it at an event long ago: “‘I, I, I, me, me, me’ gets to be a really fucking boring song.” But it’s not just a boring song; it’s dangerous to your health. Self-help [can be] dangerous precisely because it easily becomes self-fixation.
Modern self-help is as much a sham as are management gurus, which is no surprise because they overlap. Who cannot recall "Start with why?" or the "7 habits of highly effective people"? They play on your insecurities and promise silver bullets. If they don't work it is because you are, of course, deficient. You need another self-help book or follow this guy on Insta. Indulging all this self-help stuff is just another form of procrastination, instead of doing it you talk and read about doing it. It's just like learning Org-mode (no offense) to be better organized instead of, you know, organizing.
My waking call was, ironically, another management book "The Management Myth" by Matthew Steward (I think), which just showed me the ridiculousness of it all.
There's definitely a procrastination trap that someone has to be aware of, but I wouldn't say all the self-help/management is a sham. Much like people who get stuck researching, there comes a point where you simply have to act. There's also value in learning how to quickly pull items out of texts that you can use right now and discarding the rest.
I liken it to jiujitsu in a way. When I first started and knew nothing, I needed a lot of instruction and of course then practice. After years of that, I can now take a simple tweak to something I've been doing for years and suddenly it's much more effective. Finding those tweaks is the challenge, while also avoiding chasing silver bullets or bouncing to new thing after new thing and never getting good at something.
Of all the self help books I have actually read, The 7 Habits is probably the one that had consistently been useful in actually navigating issues day to day.
And I read it probably closer to two decades ago.
I enjoy Tim's content and in the last couple of years he's definitely gone beyond his established "shtick". He's definitely done his own "dog-fooding", testing advice on himself and he's found some awesome people along the way.
I'm happy that he has gone beyond the "book / author of the week" format and this blog post is most welcomed.
Relationships are crucial, especially ones that help elevate yourself or, at least, keep you on a stable level instead of dragging you down.
Poor Timmy. It’s hard when you spend two decades recycling the same crap-now we have to denounce said crap and gargle more “new” crap.
Self-help has never helped anyone. If it did, there wouldn’t be a massive industry waiting to prey on the people who are desperate for help.
> the point was never yourself.
> It was never the pyramid.
> It was never the optimization.
> It was the people around the fire.
okay this was very interesting "To continually improve yourself, you must continually locate the ways you are broken" haven't thought of it this way. Maybe I need to look into why i keep finding new books.
The "optimization" framing is where self-help tends to go wrong. Tyler Cowen has made a similar point that reading self-help books is often a form of procrastination disguised as productivity, because you're consuming meta-strategies rather than doing the actual work in whatever domain you care about.
Maybe I have to climb Maslow’s pyramid to be compatible with those?
I believe it’s a lifelong journey towards healthy relationships with anyone. We don’t start there, and we might never get to the finish line. That includes non-violent boundary setting; not friends with everyone, but relationship. Soft boundaries, where you neither cling on to something that was but no longer is without the need to blame self or other, nor you avoid contact with something new and unknown. To let go of the fight against personal limits and circumstances one cannot change. Not at once, and not without testing, but layer by layer.
Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way. You can invite people to your personal adventure, and be part of theirs, for as long or short as it serves the both of you.
Me: "Let's fly to Paris tomorrow!"
People: "Nah, I'm fine just doing what I did the last 3650 days. I wonder how I deal with this issue I have with my boss at work. That is enough adventure for me."
Me: "Trash the job! Let's start a startup!"
People: "Nah, that is not for me. The benefit-to-work ratio at my current job is just too good."
Have you actually shown genuine interest in their adventures, or is it you who defines what is adventurous and what is not, and not see that they defend against your interests, and by that protect their own? Why do you feel the need to make decisions for them? Is it you that is unhappy about their choices, or is it them? (How did your parents react to your wishes and desires? Was your autonomy celebrated, or dismissed? Do you find yourself subordinating your own interests below those of others, and say yes to things you would rather say no to?)
I've been to Paris often enough, no thank you. And I prefer to go with people that respect and celebrate my autonomy. I wish you a good trip though!I'm not making decisions for anybody. You can stay at home and watch your garden grow. Fine with me. I described what type of people I like. And that those are rather the pyramid climbers.
Some empathy for other people would go a long way.
This is something I keep thinking about: the spectrum between sainthood (selflessly hang out with the poor/uninteresting/selfish/etc) vs selfish optimization (becoming more interesting/pretty/rich/generous in order to have access to nicer people)
From my own experience, and yours might differ, I typically don't find that pretty or rich (or any other such attributes) make for more interesting and nicer. Why is it either selfless saint or egocentrism? You can do both!
I imagine the person is talking about optimising along the lines you personally value for. Some people may value being with other interesting people (and being interesting themselves), wheras others prefer to be around smart people, or beautiful people, or rich people. Many see some of these desires as misguided or foolish or vain or whatever (often when it conflicts with their own values), but it is true that at least some people seem to want these.
Is it a style like his that LLMs have been copying lately?
"It was cold out, but none of us were cold."
"In that moment, there was nothing to do. Nothing to improve. Nothing to fix. It was perfect."
"We’ve all seen it. Clear as day, you can see the goal post at the top: self-actualization. LFG! It’s time to journal and 80/20 myself! Pass me a shaman and some modafinil. That’s the mission. That’s the point. Right? But hold on."
"Because at the end of the day—and at the end of a Montana night—the point was never yourself. It was never the pyramid. It was never the optimization. It was the people around the fire."
First impression is that's really his writing. He's a professional writer. Thing is it's like trying to be a professional writer.
very different from actually good writing, as in literature. art.
Nothing against Mr. Ferris, just very clearly happen to come across these "i'm trying really hard at good writing" styles in influencer type blogs.
> First impression is that's really his writing. He's a professional writer. Thing is it's like trying to be a professional writer.
I am not suggesting that this isn't his writing.
What I was wondering was whether these are the elements of style that LLMs have picked up.
Doubtful that any one dude could influence the model to that extent, unless deliberately weighted. Then again i don't know what the hell i'm talking about.
From what i gather, openAi particular flavor of response is from reinforcement learning, these PMs are intentionally gamifying it. just today literally every reply was followed with "… want me to show you the one trick you can implement to avoid…"
was gross.
He’s been writing for decades now so that should be easy to verify. I’m sure LLMs are optimized for engaging online writing that’s easy to digest
When my head-voice read "But hold on", I literally heard in my head the "record scratch" associated with comedy movie trailers from the 1990s and 2000s.
This post strikes me as immature. Ask an older person like your grandfather what they think about “self help”. And ask like you believe they are wiser than you, not some doddering fool from “another time”. Look, we’re all slaves to our childhood learnings. But you can change and learn to think in a new way—in a way that’s you. Just be you.
The author is one of the biggest self-help book writers. Perhaps his self-help book sales started declining and he decided to pivot to some kind of anti-self-help genre.
what would the older person say? in your experience.